March 5, 2009

Still freaking out. Waiting for Monday.

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:53 pm by the Green-Eyed Siren

I know this is not helpful. I know you don’t want to hear this. That’s why I haven’t posted in ages. But lest you think I threw myself into Lake Michigan in despair over the economy, I thought I’d better check in with you.

So, yes, I am freaking out. Freaking. The Fuck. Out. Waking up from economic anxiety dreams and staying awake for hours after. Breaking down publicly toward the end of a solo in church, barely able to finish, fleeing the sanctuary in tears, due to economy-inspired nervous breakdown. I’ve been doing a little better in the last few days, but still not well. And what keeps blowing my mind is this: how is it that everybody else isn’t doing exactly the same thing?

I am hoping to find a partial answer to that question on Monday. (Monday, Monday, dah dah, dah dah dah dah…thank you, Mamas and Papas.) On Monday I will be visiting my doctor for a checkup in which I will confess to the miserable failure of my weight-loss efforts and how said failure has kept me out of his office due to embarrassment. He might want to put me back on drugs again, but then again perhaps he will accept that I have a much more significant problem now. Now that I cannot step away from CNN. Now that I have decided for the first time in my 39 years that the Wall Street Journal might have something to say to me. Now that my household has upped its daily newspaper subscriptions to three (Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and the New York Times), and I am reading each one in no small detail before pitching it in the recycling can. Now that I’ve lost my ability to truly smile at my children. Now that I am losing my shit pretty much constantly.

So I think that my anxiety issues are just a tad more pressing than the forty or so extra pounds I am carrying (and, honestly, have been carrying basically all of my adult life, so what the fuck is the point of trying to change now). I am someone who despises the idea of taking meds, particularly mind-altering ones, as I am quite fond of my particular brand of insanity, but even I recognize that it is time for some serious head-spinning drugs. I don’t know what all is out there, but I am telling you that he had damn well better pick something fan-fucking-tastic for me.

The only mind-altering substance I’ve ever touched has been alcohol, and the number of times I have been truly trashed from it I could probably count on the fingers of one hand (well, maybe both hands, but not by much). I have been such a straight arrow that the only time I was ever even offered an illicit substance was on a visit to see Mr. Unfocused in New York when we were still in college; we took a walk one summer evening and wandered through Washington Square Park and some dealer tried to sell me something. I was so ignorant I had not the tiniest clue what was going on. Thankfully, Mr. Unfocused steered me past the guy and fell all the more deeply in love with me for my charming naïveté. At least I think that’s what happened. But then again, it could have been that at the time I looked pretty cute in a short skirt.

At any rate, Now is the Time for my mind to be altered. It needs it. I honestly don’t care what the hell he prescribes me. I will do no due diligence, Doc, so just gimme your best artificially induced state of bliss. But if you can get me that while also helping me to get skinny for the first time in my life—hey, I’ll take that too. Just write it on your handy dandy prescription pad: one Judy Garland Special. That’s really what I need at this point. A nice regimen to get me through the day and still allow me to pay some attention to my kids, who are really lovely people and deserve a mother who is not drowning in the deep end of despair.

Scary, scary times, these. And I know we’re all facing them together. I also am aware that (thus far, anyway) the Unfocused Family has not suffered from them directly, as many others, including people we know and care about, have. I know I should be able to handle this better. But I also know that my family is suffering from my laser-like focus on the 24-hour Bad News Channel. And I’m starting to wonder if the fact that my days revolve around the house and the laundry and other mostly menial and uninteresting tasks makes me more vulnerable to the constant barrage of dizzyingly awful stories than, say, my husband who is chasing all over the place doing work that doesn’t revolve around the economic news of the day.

So since nothing else seems to be working, I’m going for the drugs. I may not like it, but I’m pretty sure my family will be grateful. I suspect you will be too, for perhaps it will mean that I can use this space to wax philosophical about far more amusing, or at least pleasant, topics. Consider it a test of trickle-down drugonomics: I’ll get medicated, and then share my mellow with the whole internet. See, there you go—something to look forward to. Just what you needed! In the meantime, I’ll keep the Mamas and the Papas singing in my head, soothing me until Monday, Monday. It’s not a happy song, but at least it’s pretty.

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7 Comments »

  1. I think even having a talk with a professional will be a good thing. Found out my issues are related to hypothyroidism and starting perimenopause.

    Happy, happy, joy effen joy. Just what I needed to hear. But, well, is all part of the cycle. I just wish I could quit getting my pants cuff stuck in the chain making it difficult to do this aging thing gracefully.

    One way or another, I hope Monday brings you some relief. Hugs and cupcakes for ya.

  2. The Lass said,

    I’m sorry you’ve been under the cloud – I have suffered from anxiety off and on my whole life and every now and then the “go” switch gets turned on and things get tricky for me, too. I’m glad you’re seeking some counsel (and drugs).

  3. freshhell said,

    I can only agree with the above comments. I feel your pain. I’d also suggest just turning off the tv. Part of the reason I’m not stressing over the economy is that I’m not absorbing every single piece of news about it. I haven’t watched the news on television in 8 years. I read the papers (WSJ and the local rag) but I don’t let it get to me. Plus, luckily it’s not directly affecting me as yet. We are both still employed, did not take out a mortgage we couldn’t afford or with a failing/failed bank, and still somehow manage to buy food each week.

  4. harri3tspy said,

    I’m going to write about this subject today as well. But here’s another vote for turnning off the tv and npr and putting away the front page and business sections of the paper until you are ready to handle it. It is worth worrying about the things you can do something about if you’re going to do something about them. But these things are bigger. What will come will come. There is no point in dwelling on them (easier said than done, I know). Better to find what makes you happy or at least calm(er). And if it helps, know you’re in good company.

  5. Jeanne said,

    Maybe for today and the weekend you could try to avoid watching or reading news, because it sounds like you need a break, and that’s one you can try to give yourself. And if the morbid fascination/curiosity starts pulling at you, maybe you can plan some outings with the family.

    Have you read Voltaire’s Candide? That’s what I do in that kind of situation; I need to laugh at it, but not in a totally head-in-the-sand kind of way.

  6. Green Eyed Siren's Mom said,

    Thanks to all! My thoughts exactly. I was going to give GES the same advice, but it’s so much better coming from somebody other than one’s mom.

    Hang in there everyone! Focus on the bright moments in life. Your grandparents got through this and so will you.

  7. You guys are teh awesome. I promise to make every effort not to obsess over first-time jobless claims today!


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